The First Father's Day of the Rest of My Life

I love that boy so much.

I knew it would be like this. I always had the words to describe what it would be like, but I couldn’t possibly fathom the feeling that comes with being H’s father.

Last November, one of my colleagues became a friend when, days before I left for Korea, he sat in my office telling me how wonderful fatherhood is, and sharing with me the feelings he experienced upon becoming a father. He assured me that I was up to the responsibility and doled out a wealth of day-to-day advice. It meant so much to me. Here was a guy welcoming me into a club that he himself was obviously pleased to be a part of.

One thing he said, almost jokingly, has never left my mind – not even for a day. “It’s not about you anymore.” To the uninformed, that might sound flip; it may even resonate with a backhanded selfishness. That day, I took it as playful admonishment. I know much better now what my friend meant. It isn’t all about me. And I’m better off because of that. Fatherhood has given my life purpose like nothing else ever has. I’ve given up the superficiality of my old daily concerns, and in return I’ve discovered what my life is all about. Nice trade.

Twelve days ago, H kissed me for the first time as I left for work. I jumped for joy. (You have read “jumped for joy” hundreds of times in your life. But how many times has the writer meant it literally? I do. I thrust both arms in the air and got about three or four inches of air under my shoes.) I spent the rest of the day floating on a cloud. (OK, that one’s figurative.)

The nights when he sounds the alarm at 2, 3 o’clock in the morning are brutal. I jump off the bed startled, and shuffle, half-awake into his room. (Along the way, every time, I bang chin or shoulder against our bedpost. Every time!) Often, insomnia has only moments before eased its grip and allowed me to start drifting off.

Those nights, I just want to get him quiet and get myself back to sleep before I end up wide awake for hours. As I take the steps toward his room, I’m bitter. Frustrated. Pissed.

But the instant I walk in and see him, see him needing me, all that goes away and I want to lift him out of the crib and into my arms. I want to keep him up for the rest of the night, talking to him while he climbs me like a jungle gym. I just want to be with my son.

After four consecutive Father’s Days that I’ve had to bear either despondent, dejected, depressed, or numb, the fact that H is here and has given me my very first Father’s Day (mine!) is a huge gift.

On this day, I think of my father, how he taught so passively. He was never the type to sit next to me and give me life lessons. He never even taught me to shave. But every time I find myself doing the right thing as a husband and father, I recognize my dad’s actions.

I think of friends of mine who are struggling to become fathers; I recognize the hurt in their eyes and want to somehow, in some way, let them know that I see they are right for the job. In my own way, I pray they get the chance soon.

I think of friends like J., who is ohsoclose to meeting the daughter he will adopt; the girl in China who is about to make a Brooklyn family’s dreams spring to life. I look at J. He has no idea what it’s going to feel like. I want to tell him it’s not about you anymore.

And I just want to be with my son. For as long as he can tolerate his old man. I love that little boy so much.

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Comments

[Figlet]

Happy Father's Day Dear TommyHimself! Lovely post.

[the mrs.]

to quote h directly: "nnnngah. oooooh oooooh. ga. ga. nnnngah. da. du. mmmmm-mah. da. du."

roughly translated: "you are an amazing dad....and dude. more milk please. i love my dad."

happy father's day.
xo

[Brooklyn Mama]

What a lovely post! I'm sniffling over here in Kensington. Happy belated Father's Day!

[DoctorJones]

I'll be joining the 'club' before the summer comes to a close, which means that it is on you to swing by my office -- oh, say, late July. Put it on your calendar. Thanks for sharing a great post.

[Rol]

Finally, it isn't about Tommy.

Oh, and happy belated Father's Day.

[marla]

Happy belated Father's Day.