the sticking point

THE STINKING POINT, v.2

I'm way overdue to post another parody. This one came from faithful Sticking Point reader, "walein," who poked a stick in this site's very heart, the Friday 10. His Weary World of Wallie site is one of my favorites. It's been in a holding pattern of late (I shouldn't talk), but there's plenty of great stuff archived if you click around there.

Here's his TSP parody. So dead-on, it frightened me.

The Friday 6:
I know it’s not ten but I got sidetracked putting my vinyl collection in order by hair-color and length. Brutal.

• “Stares In This Town” -- Ramones: (off of a rare 1981 demo) I got this set of rare Ramones demos off of this guy Tim, who used to sell rare Ramones demos out of his Impala behind my local movie theatre. I met Tim when the girl (Peggy) I was trying to “make” decided to have a cigarette out back of the movie theater where we had just seen Romancing the Stone. The interesting thing about this version of the song is that Joey has a full-on 18-minute OCD meltdown in the middle of the song and proceeds to tap on Tommy's drum and you can hear Dee Dee saying something to the effect, “You fucking sing now, Joey.” The 2002 re-mastered release completely cuts this episode out. For a long time, I told anyone who would listen that this was Tommy Ramone's answer to John Bonham’s "Moby Dick" solo.
• “Tough Get Going” -- Billy Ocean: A serendipitous event here on my shuffle. This was the big pop single from the second Romancing the Stone movie. Sadly, the magic of Billy’s lyrics didn’t translate into a strong sequel. The upside was that Kathleen Turner’s novelist character, Joan Wilder, inspired me to become a writer.
• “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue” -- Ramones: (1975 Demo from Tim) I was REALLY into this song during my 7th grade summer, when I went away for a month to soccer camp. I was also in a “buy-every-garbage-bag-I-see” phase that summer.
• “Piano Concerto No.5, Op.73 ‘Emperor’” -- Ludwig van Beethoven: When I was six, my uncle Billy brought a girl home to meet my parents. Her name was Gina. Gina and my uncle used to play this song and dance around our living room laughing and kissing. The following year at Christmas, Billy bought me a football and promised to throw it with me after we ate our early dinner, but Gina cut her hand pretty badly trying to slice my ham for me and had to be rushed to the emergency room for 10 stitches. Later that week, mostly out of anger at my uncle for not tossing the football with me and at Gina for ruining the day, I concocted a story I told to Billy about walking in on Gina and the postman playing a naked game of leapfrog in my bedroom. With Gina gone we were not allowed to play Beethoven when Uncle Billy was around; but sometimes, when Billy inevitably passed out from the heavy drinking he had started doing, I would play the music softly in our living room and dance about.
• “See How We Are” —X: (Unclogged) In February 1998, original guitarist Billy Zoom rejoined X for a mini-reunion tour with shows in San Francisco and Los Angeles. At the time I had the fortune of being out in LA doing a book-signing for a newly released compilation of my advice column, Ask Tommy Himself: You Dumbass! My booking agent got me a ticket to see them. We went to the show (at the legendary Whiskey) and were told the venue was at maximum capacity and they weren’t letting any one else in. Even the guys from Marcy Playground had been sent away. The next thing I know, I’m waking up on the side of the LA Freeway with nothing on but my ripped maroon jeans and completely shredded white buttondown shirt.
• “Somebody Else’s Clothes” — Rilo Kiley: I was watching Scrubs on my Tivo; an episode I’ve totally seen a million times! It was the one where Turk and Carla are being all surly with one another but also cute at the same time and then J.D. totally lets the cat out of the bag to Carla while Turk is in the background going all “Don’t do that bro!” and now Turk has got some es-ssssplaining to do. You know, the one where Elliot is being all crazy and shit and then the janitor dude is acting all shady like a cleaned-up version of a Kids In The Hall character. Dr Cox is just totally coming down on all those poor interns? Anyways, it ended with some awesome manipulative emotional ribbon where they played this exact Rilo Kiley song and I just cried like my Uncle Billy does every year at our Christmas party.

Please keep the Sticking Point parodies coming. I'll publish them all.

[posted with ecto]

On iTunes right now: Hiromi from the album New Motherstamper by Squatweiler

THE STINKING POINT, v.1

Here is one of the parody posts that you guys have sent in. This one came from Brian Last Stop. I think it's pretty damn great, even if it does contain a word I would never write. The only time you'll ever read the word "spooge" on a real Sticking Point entry is, actually, in this sentence.

Here's his parody...

Just got back from buying workout pants at Dick’s Sporting Goods. (What genius decided that was a good name for a store?) But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.

It’s been 143 days since I’ve gotten more than an hour of sleep in one night. The lack of rest is really getting to me. I find myself agitated all the time. Except when I’m playing with my sons. Then I’m only 90% agitated. Or maybe it’s 91%. I wonder if there’s a website that can calculate this precisely for me. (Update: yup, there is. Here.) So I decided that, rather than let the annoyance eat away at me all day, I’d work through it and hit the gym. Sadly, not Coliseum (S needed the car to pick up my specially-ordered "Meat of 113 Species" sandwich. Some people say you can’t taste the zebra in there, but I disagree). But it did feel good to head back to the old stomping ground.

I arrived at the gym at 0845, bursting with energy that had no reason to be emanating from my body. I headed over to my Fortress of Solitude, the cage. Imagine my surprise when I discovered Joel Toranzo there. Joel Toranzo! At my gym! Deadlifting 2,755 pounds in my Fortress of Solitude! Using the same exact “claw” that I use! I hadn’t been that surprised since The Stranglers performed “Love 30” at their concert at The Continental on January 11, 1982 (I have the Portuguese UA / Liberty 7" of “Golden Brown” on which that track is the b-side… I bought it for 17 cents on eBay back in 2003. One of my all-time greatest purchases. In my mind, it’s the best song ever recorded to listen to while flossing your teeth). They had never before played that song live in the U.S. I remember a man in a blue hat standing a few feet in front of me sneezed during that song, and I had to hold myself back from punching him in the back of the head. He ruined history in the making for me!

I nervously approached Joel, not wanting to disturb his routine. What do you say to one of your all-time idols? “I’m honored to meet you?” Too fanboy-ish. “Can I work in with you?” Too intrusive. “Need a spot?” Sure, as if Joel Toranzo needs a spot from me. I settled on “How many more sets do you have?” He sized me up and said he’d just started, but that I could feel free to work in with him. What a turn of events! I immediately began to sweat; my gym routine hasn’t been the same since I returned with W, and I’ve definitely lost a lot of upper-body strength. But this was my shot, and I wasn’t going to blow it.

It’s almost impossible to put this into words. I have never in my life had a workout like this before. Every muscle in my body was aching with pain and throbbing with pleasure at the same time (It was similar to the feeling I get when anything off of Einstürzende Neubauten's Halber Mensch album comes up on my iPod shuffle. Although nothing compares to the live version they played of the title track on my bootleg CD of their 2/18/86 concert at Vaals. It’s very rare, and although the sound quality is bad, you can tell they were at the top of their game that night). And on my 17th rep (a new record for me!), with Joel cheering me on, I reached orgasm. It’s not the first time that’s happened to me during a workout; it’s not even particularly unusual. But the amount of spooge that came spewing out of me was definitely unprecedented. I ground through another 8 reps to finish my set, and Joel and I continued working out for another 7 hours, interspersing actual exercise with arguments over the ideal sports supplements (I have always and will always stand by Bodyonics, while he argued for good, old-fashioned anabloic steroids like Trenbolone) and arguments over whether Morgan Tsvangirai (or anyone from the Movement for Democratic Change) has any shot whatsoever at winning the 2008 Zimbabwaen elections (I say no; he says anything’s possible, but his arguments are based on questionable hypotheses at best and are fundamentally flawed, I believe). Finally he had to call it a day, and after a quick shower, I headed out to find a new pair of workout pants. I can never wear today’s day’s jizz-covered ones again; what if someone spilled Gatorade or something on them? They’d be ruined!

I headed to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Not because I like the place. Simply because I know I won’t run into anybody I know there. (If you think I hate shopping, multiply it by 100 to know how much I hate small talk with acquaintances while shopping. I hate it almost as much as the time I ordered a CD of the Ramones’ soundcheck when they performed at McAllister Auditorium in New Orleans from February 21, 1978, and instead I was sent a CD of the actual concert. Did these fuckers think I don’t already own a bootleg of that concert? What kind of fan do they take me for?) At the store I found a pair of pants that seemed adequate (They were New Balance, and I’m usually more of a Nike man, but I can change, can’t I?), sucked it up, and tried them on in the store. Two hours and 37 minutes later, after simulating in the dressing room every possible position I reach during a workout as well as most positions I use in casual conversation (both standing and sitting) and even the various ways I sit in a cab in case it starts raining during a workout and I have to take one home from the gym, I decided the pants were a go. And at $21.49, not a bad value either. So I bought them and headed back to the TSP household, which brings the story to an end.

Why am I telling you all this?

The better question is, why did you read all this?

Joke’s on you, sucka!

And now, today’s Friday 10…

Keep the Sticking Point parodies coming. As long as Brian's or ten times shorter -- I promise to publish them all.*

[posted with ecto]

On iTunes right now: Rockin' Bones by Dawson, Ronnie

* This is not a guarantee.

Reminder

Don't forget about this!

Thanks.

[posted with ecto]

On iTunes right now: Lonesome Town from the album Born Bad: Volume Two by Nelson, Ricky