I feel like shit. I haven't hardly been able to post anything here recently other than that Friday 10 thing. Kind of lame, I agree. I've been busy at work -- it's March; regular viewers know what's coming -- and I've been hoarding every spare minute with baby H that I can get.
I was thinking of a way to post quickly and effortlessly, just to get something down here, when I remembered Larry King's old USA Today columns. Their idiotic subject matter, half-thoughts, and decrepit opinions gave me an evil sort of pleasure. (He wrote his last in September 2001. Alas, the end of his column was still not enough to cheer terrorized Americans.) So, I asked old Larry to shuffle his bonesack down to my office and collaborate on a Sticking Point with me. He was so excited he had two heart attacks on the way.
Here's our result. Some thoughts are mine, most are Larry's, and the style is all King.
These so-called "rap wars" are a real distraction from the beauty of the music... There's no funnier woman than Helen Hunt. Period... For my money, these new cellular telephones aren't worth the plastic they are made from. When I dial, give me my Mama Bell... Does ANYONE think that Ron Eldard-as-a-blind-detective show will last beyond its first commercial break?... I hear you, but it's about time blind people had a role model to watch... What's the one way to skin a cat that everyone already knows?...The sky's the limit for Nick Lachey... I swear, that woman in the cafeteria doesn't know the price of anything... If one more motherfucker asks me and the wife if we met our son's "mother," you'll be hosing blood off the sidewalk for days... Say what you want about Mandy Moore, but she shows up on time and gets the job DONE. 100% pro... If I could have my pick of temperatures, I'd choose 76 degrees... If more children took steroids, I'd Tivo the Little League World Series... Speaking of baseball, Montreal needs a team. Now... And also -- The Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown, which speaks VOLUMES about how much folks loved Gary Cooper in the Lou Gehrig movie... If critics don't like the new J. Lo video, maybe they should try masturbating to it... I'm in my nineties, but just hearing someone say "pu-pu platter" makes me laugh like I'm 30... Charlie Sheen and his wife are divorcing. They claim "irreconcilable differences," but MY wife thinks it's due to Sheen's whoremongering... Where's my coffee?... Putting your dog to sleep is one of the most painful things you'll ever do for fun. The word "bittersweet" comes to mind... That chick from Committed is a modern day Jenna Elfman... Did anyone go see The Gates? Me neither... One thing's for sure -- no one plays "beaten to death" quite like that Swank kid... Can someone please explain "bacon jackhammer" to me? Ditto "Cleveland steamer"... Did the real life Deep Throat die yet? And if so, who was it?... Don't get me started about waffles... Please tell me Patty Heaton's got another job lined up. Robbing viewers of her pulchritude would be a television felony...The Etan Patz disappearance has fascinated me for years... It's time for Michael Buble... Seriously, where is my fucking coffee?!... There's no telling why "Garnish this!" never caught on as a catchphrase... I'll be dancing in the streets the day they cure my Alzheimer's... You'll see: they'll be putting in a Starbucks... Let's call the disabled "Stumbly-Wumblys"... Does this shirt make me look gay?... Gilda Radner was an undiscovered treasure... My friend Jake laughs at me before I even open my mouth... I'll be dancing in the streets the day they cure my Alzheimer's... Mark my words out there in column land: Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac will have audiences asking "Sidney Poitier who?"... Mary was a virgin, but only if you don't count anal... At dinner with Will Ferrell last month, I laughed so hard I shit my pants. Both figuratively and literally... I'll bet Steve Fossett feels stupid right about now... I don't say "harpooned" as much as I used to... See ya -- Lar' and Tommy.
Listening: "Looking Down The Barrel of a Gun" by Beastie Boys, The from Paul's Boutique.